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Idiots guide to being a Total Asshole at a metal fest (Purely satire)

Wed, 29/04/2015 - 21:27

A quick guide to get your self concert ejected or thumped

1.Throw glass bottles at band whilst on stage .

2.Kick over some sleeping guys beer on purpose .

3.wear A NSBM shirt and then get in the face of a Jewish metal-head.

4.smoke in the mosh pit then jab the guy standing next to you.

5. wear huge spikes and flail your arms about in everyone's face in a mosh pit.

6.purposely grab the breasts of a female right in front of her boyfriend and brag about it infront of him .

7.Deface the side board with stupid crap like free Rolf Harris .

8.piss right in front of someones tent whilst the owner sleeps.

9.Jump on tent whilst the owner sleeps .

10.Replace someones sun tan oil with sun flower oil.

10. Set fire to tent whilst owner sleeps.

11. Humiliate a guy taking a shit in a portaloo.

12. kick grass in cup collectors face .

13. steal band merchandise from stalls .

14.Shout in the highest voice you can a homophobic comment at a band whilst amougst there fans.

15. throw plastic bottle filled with urine from right of the back of the crowd.

16. throw coins at the band on stage .

17.throw suncream at band on stage.

18.when raining shove mud down someones trousers when confronted claim they stealth shat themselves.

19.whilst sitting on a bench and someone perches there beer on the bench when he/she is looking away walk off with it or drink it and when confronted go into a state of denial that there was a beer there in the first place.

20. stick a firework down a portaloo.

21.pull pregnant woman into mosh pit.

22. when in circle pit and its rainy Kick a midget face first into the mud.

23. Use a midget as a makeshift weapon in mosh.

24. After every song played, yell "play some Maidens" (Motorhead also works).

25.Wave a Jesus loves you flag whilst a black metal band are on stage.

26.shine a laser pen right at vocalists face.

27.rip vintage patches off someones battle jacket.

28.Get elitist and snobby at a 12 year old music taste in front of there dad/mum

29.If the festival gets cancelled after a major accident get pissed and incite a mob to set fire to the tent area then the local village close by

30.Duck tape a guy into a portaloo when confronted by enraged punter yelling at you to repay his ticket after spending hours trying to get out blame it on poor locking system

DethronedEmperor23's picture

number 3 is my favourite

joecubbie's picture

Number 7 XD

cambotero's picture

I did num.6 in a mosh. shit was cash.

Formshifter's picture
bad_american1992's picture

Guilty of a couple of theses...

mealkeith's picture

Which one's if you don't mind me asking

bad_american1992's picture

1,4,5,7,8,9(that was on a dirt bike trip, not a concert though)11,14,15
I am not a good concert citizen, usually I light shit on fire, throw drinks around and expose myself indecently.

DuoQ Imperius's picture

3 é o mais foda, kkk, 5 o mais brutal, e talvez mais fdp.

gloriousdeath's picture

i've seen number 10 happening at Dynamo Open Air.... that is: there was a bonfire people were throwing all kinds of stuff into like butane gas cylinders etc. ... then some idiot started pulling a tent towards the fire.... untill someone inside started screaming !!!!! That was some sick, disturbing out of control shit

mealkeith's picture

I heard they did that at reading festival too some years ago

gloriousdeath's picture

This happened at Dynamo 1997.... that was a really strange edition... when we entered the campingsite, already dixi's were set ablaze... at the end of the festival there were fights, fires..... also people started demolishing one of the stages..... there were a lot of people arrested including hard drugs dealers .... i've been to a lot of festivals; never seen something like that before or after....

DethronedEmperor23's picture

my dream is to do number 15

Bitch Butcher's picture

It's fun until someone else does it and gets you bathed in urine!! Hahahaha

Greaserjlg's picture

Lol "set the tent on fire while they sleep" yeah, that's kind of a dick move

Kathulex's picture

23. Use a midget as a makeshift weapon in mosh

24. After every song played, yell "play some Maidens" (Motorhead also works)

mealkeith's picture

ha ha I'll add that XD

DevilzForce's picture

i've actually done all of these except three off the list..... now i'm too old for that shit anyway hahahaha

JoeCool6972's picture

I'm going to add a serious one:
Go into the mosh pit with intent on hurting people. Accidents happen, people get hit, and sometimes hurt, but that is not what I am talking about. I am referring to the asshole who goes in the pit with intent of hitting others on purpose. We've all seen him. Notice this jerk always picks on people smaller than him, specifically a girl. Like my daughter has been hit several times. She is 19 and technically grown, but she's only 5'3" and maybe 110lbs. C'mon now! WTF?! She can defend herself though and has actually beaten a guy's ass before in the pit, she is a second degree black belt! The mosh pit is not the godddamn WWF Royal Rumble! And then you wonder why some venues and clubs have banned mosh pits?

MasterDeath's picture

Fucking assholes, I can't stand them.
I already wrote something similar on my battlejacket photo last year.
I witnessed similar attacks only a few times till now and every time I threw the guy out of the pit or broke something on his face or both.
Attacking on purpose in the pit is for pussies.

Nater90's picture

That's fucked up, Even though your daughter can defend herself, Not everyone can, It pisses me off when people try and ruin a great night out, Last time I saw Alestorm I think it was someone through a glass up at the roof to shatter over the moshpit.

no karate in pit's picture

im a little late to this forum but am getting triggered learning what some assholes will do at concerts
also if your drunk and you did this its ok still asshole move but you have excuses

Heavy Metal Marc's picture

The amount of people bragging about doing some of these is passing me off.

Kerry Draconis's picture

This was absolutely hilarious haha

PForx's picture

*how to have fun at a metal fest*

TheWitchburner's picture

That was a good laugh haha. My brother (he plays in a hardcore band), had to play a show in Slovakia some time ago. The place was going nuts at a certain point. All of a sudden some people lit and threw fireworks in the pit... nobody gave a shit and kept going at it haha.

ToxikAssault's picture

There's always that one sweaty idiot who just insists not to wear any shirt and then he just rubs himself on everybody and everything.

Claudandus's picture

* Vomit all over somebody's pants/shoes and then act like a total douche when he confronts you about it. Pick a fight with the guy in question and insult his girlfriend, regardless if he has one or not.

* Bring vuvuzelas, kazoos, whistles or whatever annoying instrument you can carry into the show and play along with the band.

* Always be "that guy" who've seen the band in question most times, have the most obscure merch, the rarest pressings,have listened to them the longest etc. Never fail to bring up the countless times you've met them.

* (to the ladies) Hit on everybody's boyfriend. And when confronted by their significant other act like a total she-devil, scream at the top of your lungs, pull their hair, throw beer in their faces and generally make a huge scene. Hell if you can't have a good time, why should anybody.

* If you're attending the show of a specific British death metal act. Buy multiple copies(at least five of each) of every shirt they have on sale. You're just picking up a couple of extras for your friends on ebay anyways.

* Stand in front of the shortest, scrawniest person you can find and refuse to move an inch even if the medics try to help an unconscious spectator. It's really not your problem if they can't handle the pressure. If there is a place designated to wheelchairs, of course it's okay for you to block the ramp and act like you've been gravely insulted when asked to move.

* Girls love it when you stare at them. Really, keep staring(preferably at her breasts or ass) like you've never seen a woman in your entire life and she'll be yours forever. Snapping pictures of her(again, breasts or ass is the greatest compliment here) when you think she isn't noticing is just expected of you at this point. If confronted act totally uninterested and borderline hostile, the more profanities and excessive vulgarities used in this stage the better.

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