jokes!

slayerslayerTue, 10/06/2008 - 20:29

anyone got any jokes? im not sure how far we can go before the admin removes offensive material , but lets have a crack!

diamondmaster93 on Mon, 14/03/2011 - 22:57

What kind of jokes did you have in mind? About metal or just any kind?

DoctorDeath on Mon, 14/03/2011 - 23:06

Heard from facebook..

A study shows that 1 out 15 people live next door to a peadophile, not me tho, i live next door to two stunning 12 year olds.

bayernpirat on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 00:12

12 year old peadophiles would sound funny

PowerThrashingDeath on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 01:18

hahaha, too fucking lame xD

lak89 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 02:06

LOL.

Crunchysock on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 04:22

I had a girlfriend call me pedophile once
I said, "thats a pretty big word for a 7 year old"

Maddolis on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 14:26

Hahahahh the cherry on the icecream man, good one.

COTHRASHER on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 12:42

whats a pedophiles favorite guitar chord? A minor

MetalxThrasher on Sat, 21/01/2012 - 15:23

Why do we slow down by grade schools? So you can choose your favourite.

meaningless on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 17:56

lmao DOC..hahahahaha

bayernpirat on Mon, 14/03/2011 - 23:44

What did Jesus say when he was nailed to the cross?
Hey, I can see my house from here

bayernpirat on Mon, 14/03/2011 - 23:45

More nails - I´m falling

DoctorDeath on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 01:54

Two cute furry seals walk into a club.

bayernpirat on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 03:05

and then?

diamondmaster93 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 07:15

I think he is refering to seal clubing when you kill seals with a club.

Deathcore.Is.No... on Wed, 17/04/2013 - 09:12

No.

Maddolis on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 03:06

What's green and has wheels?
A frog.
I lied about the wheels.

maidenmad77 on Sun, 22/05/2011 - 00:44

lmao

oldschoolbear on Tue, 16/04/2013 - 06:17

whats black by outside, green by inside, and go through walls?
...
A ghost avocado

diamondmaster93 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 03:08

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

bayernpirat on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 03:17

LMFAO

bayernpirat on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 10:33

Why do you know that your sister have her period?
When the dick of your father tastes like blood!

Wormwood on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 03:24

Ahahaahahahaha

metalhead12 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 07:39

OH GOD HAHA

mayhempunk666 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 10:18

ahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

PowerThrashingDeath on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 03:28

haha xD

meaningless on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 17:57

hahahahahaha lol

bayernpirat on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 05:14

wenn saufen ein laster ist, ist Kiffen ein Dampfer

Adrian on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 05:33

Steve Vai, Joe Satriani and Yngwie Malmsteen are sitting on a bench. After a while, the discussion livens up :

Yngwie Malmsteen: " anyway, I am the best guitarist in the world. "
Steve Vai: " ah not, (saddened) I am the best guitarist in the world."
Joe Satriani: " ah well, you think you are the best guitarist in the world? And how do you know that Steeve? "
Steve Vai: " I know it because it is God who said it to me. "
Yngwie Malmsteen: "did I say that ? "

bayernpirat on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 05:59

Three sperms talking:
1st said: I´m so clever, I´m becoming a scientist!
2nd said: I´m more clever, I will get a Nobel price!
3rd said: You both are so stupid, we are in the throat!

eddiethehead666 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 10:38

lol

metalhead12 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 07:41

I was in a Madhouse with Scott Ian and told him, "We all live in One World, and we all have A Skeleton in the Closet, so by chance, do you got the time?"

diamondmaster93 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 08:45

Hehe

metalhead12 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 14:35

haha i love band jokes

JUANTHRASH on Mon, 28/11/2011 - 12:26

XD.Did he answer NOT?

mayhempunk666 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 10:21

how did hellen keller's parents punish her?
they left the plunger in the toilet

COTHRASHER on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 09:00

what is Hellen Keller's favorite slayer song?
Silent Scream

bayernpirat on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 09:02

Vigo_the_Carpathian on Fri, 09/12/2011 - 04:16

How about the three panelists on "To Tell The Truth?"
#1. "My name is Helen Keller."
#2. "My name is Helen Keller."
#3. "Myne nnme ithk Hulln Kwellell."

Cannibal corpse fan on Mon, 06/02/2012 - 05:20

hahahahaha

eddiethehead666 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 15:57

a mexican child is helping his mother in the kitche. He puts flour all over his face. "look mom, im white!" she slaps him. "go tell your dad that". "look dad im white!" slap. "go tell your grandma that" "look grandma, im white!"
slap. "go back to your mom" mom: "so what did you learn?"
kid: "i've been white 5 minutes and i already hate you fuckin mexicans"

mayhempunk666 on Tue, 15/03/2011 - 16:01

dude i actually just spit water all over my desk, thats funny as hell

LifeOfDeath on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 19:02

Me too. Except I had a mouthful of milk :D

PowerThrashingDeath on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 03:29

haha briliant!

CEROXER on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 18:28

hahaha...!!chamaco caguengue,,,!!

Albtraum on Sun, 20/11/2011 - 08:58

One of the best jokes I've ever heard :D

Terroristic-Ham... on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 10:09

why do black people have poop in their wallet?

its their identification

no offense blax it is just a joke

BeefCakeAssThrash on Fri, 24/06/2011 - 18:52

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL'd xDD

bayernpirat on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 13:14

a 14 vears old son coming home.
His father ask: How are school today?
Son: Great, we have today for the first time sex
Father: This must be celebrated, sit down and drink a beer with me.
Son: A beer is good, but sitting - NO WAY!

Maddolis on Wed, 16/03/2011 - 14:21

Hahahah good one, similar to the Jagermeister shots one.

PowerThrashingDeath on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 08:50

Terroristic-Ham... on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:45

sfusyron on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 04:50

Q: How much crack did Charlie Sheen do in January???
A: Enough to kill Two and a half Men...

meaningless on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 17:59

LLOOLL

MetalxThrasher on Sat, 21/01/2012 - 15:26

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan did enough dope to make their own show. What would it be named? Two and A Half Pounds.

Phosphorous_Redeemer on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 08:17

Bring me the hashbrowns
As I lay Crying
The Devil wears nada
Faggot for my valentine
Winds of fake

eddiethehead666 on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 15:32

nice

BabyEviscerator on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 10:17

Don't you mean Bring Me The Hairspray?

COTHRASHER on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 06:08

and my favorite My Homosexual Romance

JUANTHRASH on Tue, 20/12/2011 - 07:41

thats their real names

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 09:19

how did Hitler's wife die?
-she stept into the wrong shower.

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 09:28

Q: what do you do when there's an emo in your backyard with his hand blown off?
A: stop laughing and reload

thrashwolf666 on Mon, 21/03/2011 - 08:43

hahahahaha!!! good one

thrashwolf666 on Mon, 21/03/2011 - 08:43

hahahahaha!!! good one

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 09:29

Q: what's the difference between an emo and a dead baby?
A: The baby doesn't cry

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 09:34

Q: an emo kid is standing on top of a skyscraper with a jew, a mexican, and a black guy, all ready to jump. They decide to make it fun and challenge each other to a race. Who wins?

A: Society

Crunchysock on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 15:52

Mexicans are God's people you spotted dick eatin' bitch.

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 17/03/2011 - 20:37

I'm not racist and there's no reason to menstruate all over me, man. It was just a joke.... jeez.

Crunchysock on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 05:28

If you're racist, cool, but be a man and own it. If you're not racist then use your head and think about what you're saying and how it might be received. If you don't care how it's received don't come back at me with "It was just a joke."

BeefCakeAssThrash on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 07:10

look, I´m sorry, okay?

Crunchysock on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:16

I was totally fucking with you, I don't give a shit about your joke. Own your shit, don't apologize.

PowerThrashingDeath on Tue, 22/03/2011 - 05:50

haha ultra ownage!

BeefCakeAssThrash on Tue, 22/03/2011 - 19:46

I hate when people mindfuck me xD

bayernpirat on Thu, 24/03/2011 - 04:16

but you say nothing against the joke with the mexican kid (I´m white) - so don´t make a wave

IronMason on Sun, 26/02/2012 - 12:15

YOUR NAME IS AWESOME. LOLOL CRUSTYSOCK

Dakota Bob on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:09

you mad, bro? it's possible to tell a joke like that and NOT be racist, so don't be jumping down BeefCake's throat for it. besides, I didn't see you sticking up for the emo's in this thread. are they not "god's people"?

Crunchysock on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:23

First of all, I wasn't talking to you. Second, no, emo's are not God's people. Tell me one redeeming quality an emo might possess.

Dakota Bob on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:37

Well, personally I don't believe in a god. and I never said emo's had any redeeming qualities.

BeefCakeAssThrash on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:38

hahaha dude xD
I thought you were serious xD
I actually felt pretty bad about it

Dakota Bob on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 08:51

lak89 on Mon, 22/08/2011 - 12:04

Haha it's the internet after all, things aren't clear all the time XD

StereoDeth on Tue, 18/12/2012 - 08:44

>I'm not racist and there's no reason to menstruate all over me
>there's no reason to menstruate all over me
>to menstruate all over me

I lol'd

SacredTutor on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 06:31

fucking mexicans

CaskatAxeman on Fri, 15/06/2012 - 21:20

:D:D

BeefCakeAssThrash on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 09:08

wanna hear a joke?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LQHKY1WNrc

Terroristic-Ham... on Fri, 18/03/2011 - 09:14

haha I know I hate Dukes what a bitch baloff would kill him

Adrian on Tue, 22/03/2011 - 06:04

As much as Shovel Headed Kill Machine grew on me, I still can't listen to Let There Be Blood without being disgusted. It's one thing to record new material with a worse vocalist, but to rerecord the classic stuff is blasphemy!

COTHRASHER on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 06:05

+1!

motorheadslayer on Sun, 20/03/2011 - 22:25

how do you make a hormone? don't pay her

motorheadslayer on Sun, 20/03/2011 - 22:25

how do you make a hormone? don't pay her

lak89 on Mon, 21/03/2011 - 00:29

hahaha this is brilliant.

BeefCakeAssThrash on Thu, 24/03/2011 - 02:54

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
FUUUUUUCK XDDDD

ShieldbitersValhalla on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 04:56

HAHAHAHAHA man thats bad HAHAAHAHA

cpt tabasco on Thu, 24/03/2011 - 03:05

The funniest and most disgusting Joke of all times: The Aristocrats. Take 10 minutes time and experience:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk

BabyEviscerator on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 10:09

Shit, i gotta start fucking my dog...

bayernpirat on Thu, 31/03/2011 - 07:07

Is it good to use a tripod to make photos by an earthquake, Japan?

bayernpirat on Thu, 31/03/2011 - 07:08

but it´s sadly what happens to them and I hope, this is not the start of the apocalypse

Maddolis on Thu, 31/03/2011 - 17:52

Scientology.

ShieldbitersValhalla on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 04:57

Hahahahaha

Tico Tyrant on Mon, 22/08/2011 - 02:32

hahahah fucking brilliant, and true!

Deathcore.Is.No... on Mon, 21/11/2011 - 13:42

The only joke that has made me (literally) Lol so far.

Metal_Assassin666 on Wed, 28/11/2012 - 07:35

Mormonism.

TheWitchburner on Sun, 22/05/2011 - 22:50

Haha found this one on the internet xD

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the â??HEAVY METALâ?? protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are
still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess
is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

eddiethehead666 on Fri, 24/06/2011 - 18:32

haha thats really fuckin funny!!

BeefCakeAssThrash on Fri, 24/06/2011 - 18:34

hahahahaha LOL @ Speed Metal xDD

slayerslayer on Mon, 27/06/2011 - 17:32

Witchburner , that is legendary ! thank you so much \m/ \m/

ShieldbitersValhalla on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 05:04

Lol viking metal, speed metal, , battle metal, and gore metal are the best ones hahaha. Battle metal is the only one that actually fights the dragon in a way that is serious lol.

BabyEviscerator on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 09:53

SUNN O)))
The protagonists enter in black robes, drones for 3 hours, dragon and princess kill themselves out of depression, protagonists keep droning.

lak89 on Mon, 22/08/2011 - 12:08

Lol this is awesome!

thrashtildeatha... on Sat, 21/01/2012 - 20:12

having listen to some carcass today i loled @ the grind part. viking part was funny too

TThrasher on Thu, 26/01/2012 - 07:22

lol @ industial metal. Just couldn't stop laughing after that one

TheWitchburner on Sun, 22/05/2011 - 22:51

Fuck, what a long post...

bayernpirat on Mon, 23/05/2011 - 03:10

but awesome - great story for festivals haha

bayernpirat on Mon, 23/05/2011 - 05:43

Misheard lyrics - lol:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjr0bIsxLtE

eddiethehead666 on Fri, 24/06/2011 - 14:33

http://www.metalstorm.net/images/fun/big/132

ahahahahahaha!!!!

MoreGoreLessCore on Sat, 25/06/2011 - 04:54

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQlpFrm5iM

bayernpirat on Sat, 25/06/2011 - 22:40

A pregnant in the hospital.
She got the baby and the doctor took it on the arms and he look at it.
Then he throws the baby to the wall, it hitted hard and fall to the ground.
The woman screams: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!
The doctor grabs the baby, look at it and hit the face on a radiator.
The woman again: AAAAAAA, what are you doing ???
The doctor answer: April, April the baby was born dead.

BeefCakeAssThrash on Sat, 25/06/2011 - 23:13

LOLOLOLOLOL

bayernpirat on Sun, 26/06/2011 - 04:14

Forget Chuck Norris - Spongebob is grilling under water!

ShieldbitersValhalla on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 05:06

lol

ToxikAssault on Sun, 26/06/2011 - 04:47

Ultimate poser cleansing:
- NU-clear Assault

BeefCakeAssThrash on Sun, 26/06/2011 - 20:27

hahahhahah good one xD

bayernpirat on Mon, 27/06/2011 - 00:26

A blind man walking down the street.
He´s passing a fishmonger´s shop and say:
HI GIRLS !

Terroristic-Ham... on Mon, 27/06/2011 - 02:38

lol gotta love the stench

CEROXER on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 18:44

hahahaha...!!!

MoreGoreLessCore on Mon, 27/06/2011 - 05:22

Tokyo hotel - http://gifb.in/pQsV

FarFarNorth on Mon, 27/06/2011 - 07:26

A chukcha (Russian eskimo/indigenous person of Siberia) marries a French woman. A short time later, he divorces her.
His friends ask: "Why?"
Chukcha answers: "She filthy bitch. Washes every day."

ShieldbitersValhalla on Tue, 28/06/2011 - 05:07

hahaha

bayernpirat on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 05:30

Fairy godmother: You have 3 wishes!
Me: Bend down, I have only one wish, but three times the same!

bayernpirat on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 07:43

What is blue and funny?
A frozen baby in a Clown suit

Cannibal corpse fan on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 10:32

What does Helen Keller's room look like . I don't know and niether does she

BeefCakeAssThrash on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 12:45

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Plague on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 16:57

Just. Funny.

I can't imagine exactly what happened to make her say this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDlg2JZXp4A&NR=1

Love when serious new anchors fail. Here's more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9GxN7tezds&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_M_FF1o27I&feature=relmfu

ShieldbitersValhalla on Sun, 21/08/2011 - 18:30

Haha, I watched some others and saw this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTz73Tt2m9Q&feature=relmfu

Plague on Mon, 22/08/2011 - 03:34

Haha...thought i didnt hear rite the first time LOL

Tico Tyrant on Mon, 22/08/2011 - 02:37

that's awesome haha

Maddolis on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 19:09

"im not sure how far we can go before the admin removes offensive material , but lets have a crack!"

First post is DoctorDeath with a pedophile joke.
I think this is pretty funny in itself.

DoctorDeath on Thu, 10/11/2011 - 20:55

Ha ha ha :P tshirtslayer makes no sense... love it :P

Shadowknight526 on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 17:40

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?
I don't have a Porsche in my garage

whiteravenmetal on Fri, 18/11/2011 - 16:25

Alice, is that you?

bayernpirat on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 03:37

What is blue and funny?
A frozen baby in a Clown costume!

cambotero on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 21:32

oh oh i got one. ehem it's a visual one. so check it out! http://metallicablogmagnetic.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/lulu-metalli...

whiteravenmetal on Fri, 18/11/2011 - 16:29

hahahahahaha, more like lolol

http://metbash.ru/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/lars-lulu-lol.jpg

ToxikAssault on Fri, 18/11/2011 - 17:33

http://www.formulaf1.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/09/mika-hakkinen-vs-dav...

Dave Mustaine looks exactly like the Finnish F1 driver Mika Häkkinen

ShieldbitersValhalla on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 18:50

lmao

Deathcore.Is.No... on Wed, 17/04/2013 - 09:40

He looks like Dave mixed with Bruce Dickinson.

thrashbabe85 on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 03:53

A cat and a rooster are sitting next to a hot tub. The cat falls in, gets soaking wet. The rooster laughs. The moral of the story?

A hot, wet pussy makes a cock happy.

Terroristic-Ham... on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 11:35

Marci on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 03:58

Did you know? 4 out of 5 people enjoy gangrape.

Terroristic-Ham... on Sat, 19/11/2011 - 11:35

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